Man and sexuality – time for a new perspective
This is not a topic that I would soon write about or know much about. But I was very inspired by interviews with Esther Perel. I like to help break through stories about ourselves and others. To be more authentic and to letting go of patterns from our youth or society, if needed. This blog shows the current state of affairs of man and sexuality and hopefully makes you think about yourself, your partner or friend and explore different ways to see and deal with man and sexuality.
Breaking old patterns
Therapist, writer and sexologist Esther Perel talks about how women took the time in recent decades to clarify their role. But it has hardly started with men. Old concepts still dominate and she invites us to change this. She talks about how men are still being raised with a rigid code, especially in the area of sex, where much remains the same.
We men hardly share in the area of intimacy, is my experience. This is not only my personal experience but I read and see that this is the case on a large scale. When we honestly look we see that this gives us more problems than we think at first. Fear often plays a major role in sexuality and makes men more vulnerable than they seem at first. We often ignore this fear and mask it, which of course doesn’t work and only takes pleasure and freedom out of it.
Esther Perel distinguishes three vulnerabilities for men in the sexual field:
a. Being rejected.
b. Not being competent – to themselves or to the partner.
c. Have no control over the pleasure of the woman. Especially not knowing whether the woman has had an orgasm (or fakes it) makes men vulnerable. In this video below, an American couple talks very beautiful and open talk about this:
Break through your own convictions
I recognize the image Esther Perel points at. The splits in which you, as a man, can find yourself. Often it is not so much your partner, but more your own convictions, that holds you back. For centuries these old patterns are around and are quite ingrained in us. For example, as shown in the video above, that the man always is ‘the mood’. While there is much more freedom for the woman. It is always so cool that people like Esther Perel dare to challenge our common ways of thinking. Her most famous Ted-talk is about cheating, very insightful how she gives us a totally different perspective.
Freeing yourself from neediness
In the area of sexuality, my horizon is slowly widening. The peace and pleasure that takes place step by step in my life is also reflected in this. The author Jan Geurtz writes beautifully about spiritual lovemaking: “It was as if I had worked the garden with a bicycle all my life, and one day you discovered that could use it to cycle. The liberation from our orgasmic obsession gives much freedom and autonomy: instead of our addiction towards a climax you become the donor of happiness and love.” Recognizable, both the free and the obsessive and goal driven part. It still amazes me that automatic patterns can come back so stubbornly. The advantage is that this motivates you every time to free yourself more and more.
What to do?
Awareness is the first step: seeing which patterns we follow and honestly check if this makes sense. If not then let it go. Zoom in to the expectations that you carry with you. And perhaps you will soon feel where there you can make some mileage. Or in other words; where is the desire for liberation sits. Don’t forget to allow and feel the often unseen bottom layer of fear and vulnerability.
Experienced versus thinking
Dare to play and experiment and thus see more and more what suits you. Discuss with your partner what is going on. Don’t make it too heavy or too mental, quickly step back into the curious experience mode. Release expectations and stay in the moment as much as possible. Be careful not to be too much in your head. Soon you will notice that there is more room for fun and relaxation. Little weird parallel, but it is a bit like tasting an orange. You can describe and think about it, but doesn’t really tell you the real taste and experience of it. So enjoy and hopeful you got some inspiration from it.
Let’s end with my favorite poet, Rumi.
Lovers don’t meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.